When we are overcome by helplessness in the face of other people’s suffering, the feeling is devastating. Today, during the Week of Joy and Compassion in Judaism, I found myself feeling guilty for not being able to keep my vibration high after a magnificent weekend of fasting. But that’s exactly what I need to talk about. What an incredible spiritual experience it is when you fast and surrender to the divine. That’s what I did over the weekend, on Yom Kippur, where we went 26 hours without food or water, feeling the purity of paradise in meditation and prayer. But like any connection like that, when we return to matter, we are faced with emptiness. How long, Universe, will I have to keep fighting to fulfill that deep desire of my heart? I got into this fix after feeling so much gratitude. Do you think the spiritual here is gratilux?! Far from it!
Yes, I am a wellness teacher, but I also have my shadows. I am real. I keep learning and stumbling, trying to apply everything I teach. Don't be fooled into thinking I'm the only one. All the outstanding people I've met in their fields also fail to live 100% of what they teach. The path has no end, and it is not linear.
There were so many ways to say that today should have been a day of high vibration, but it wasn't like that. In fact, it never is. My emotions fluctuated. I cried. I felt. I lit candles, I prayed and meditated. I smiled again, I surrendered myself to love and vital energy. I left with the feeling of mission accomplished. I think that's what true happiness in life is. Not getting attached to emotions and dealing with them as they come. I was happy again.
Then I got a call from my family. My niece, who had been in my younger sister’s belly for 40 days, had passed away hours before delivery. It hurt. I was devastated for a few moments. I had 20 minutes to process it. I called my sister, prayed, and then got up for my next class, where I promote wellness. In my helplessness, I could not resuscitate my niece, nor ease my mother’s pain as she watched her daughter suffer, nor take away the shock of my sister, who was full of hormones, with her milk coming in, and her clothes already folded in the closet.
I took a deep breath. I connected with my heart. I visualized an energetic oxygen mask, filling my heart with light and love. And with that love, I went to class. It was a light, easygoing class, and the students left feeling renewed, as they deserve. I hugged a student whose father is seriously ill. We cried together. We shared love and affection, understanding our roles and appreciating life.
As I was walking down the stairs, another student gave me a thermal cup that I had wanted so much but never mentioned. My joy returned quickly. In seconds, everything changed. My dog, Sky, a symbol of joy in my life, even though I was fasting and had a stomach ache, stood up excitedly, lighting up the space.
I understood that joy is like this: it is not linear. My 7pm meeting was cancelled, and I am here writing, returning to my diary, something I did in my childhood, and due to traumas and invasions of privacy, I stopped. I am back organizing my thoughts and exposing my vulnerability.
I continue trying to understand what it means to be a spiritual person on the physical plane, what it means to be human and spiritual at the same time. How can we take care of others, even when we feel powerless? I understand that we can only give what overflows within us, and to do that, we need to take care of ourselves every day, to maintain our reserves when emergencies arise. And take care of our faith!! Because without it, we can't cope! Ana Beatriz, niece who became a little star. Thank you for having passed through our family. I love you very much! And we continue here trusting, praying and sharing what our inner compass guides us.
With love and affection,